rain's coming

rain's coming.
i'm not talking about the rainy season coming to attack the hapless skyline students with its hostile coldness, i'm talking about bi/rain coming to las vegas to perform a concert. bi/rain, you know, the korean singer/actor who you should have heard of if you don't live in a cave somewhere in the earth's core where no korean wave could reach you. tickets range from $80-200, and i'll have to pass. (i can't even pay $25 to nina for andy's gift, so screw it.) besides, tickets were sold out on the first week of release anyway. but yeah, he's going to come to las vegas at about the same time i'm going, and i just hope they're setting up a giant screen outside for passersby to see him performing it live. can't wait! :D

the dating game

miguel and i had an argument about how some women prefer to date people they know already than meet up with some random person and know them through a date. i prefer the former. i prefer to know the one i'm dating with, i prefer that he and i had some history together before i actually divulge myself into the getting-to-know-him-much-better part, and i prefer group dates first before the "real thing." it's not actually a killing-me-softly thing to men for some women who would rather be taken out on the mid-part of the relationship. it's just that, it's a scary (well for me anyway) feeling to be in a room with a semi-stranger who has no idea who i am. what if he won't like me back? wouldn't that be scary to women? then at least, if we were friends, then there won't be any rejection happening because it was a friendly date anyway, and after that, you're going home as friends and that's the end of that.

i guess it depends upon what "date" means to me. it's being with someone who you actually want to be with without feeling cautious about it. i guess i've had too much time watching those date shows that the meaning of "date" to me is something more intimate then what it is supposed to. but truth is, being stuck with a guy, be it someone close to me or someone i barely know, SCARES me. it scares me because:
1) i have never had any experience going out one-on-one with guys.
(well there were some instances, but i felt comfortable with it because i've known them for so long that it was actually time to do it.)
2) i have never had any serious friendships with guys.
3) i spent a third of my life without knowing a lot of guys.
(never enrol your children in an all-girls school. trust me.)

so there, migs. it's not about being maarte. it's about being uncomfortable, being scared, and being unexperienced, actually. i've rejected a bunch of guys asking me out because i, well, i do not want to be taken too fast. i want us to be on the same level by the time we date. i don't want myself to end up scaring him because of my paranoia and nervousness.

so if anyone does want to date people like me, set it up as a group. it will make me open up much more. and NEVER rush things. a good three months of talking on the phone will be preferred before the dating actually begins. you'll never know: the first date might actually end with a first kiss.

ariza

one of the first things i ask of people is what books they have read, because i seem to have a bit of enough to say about that area. i have not, however very unfortunately, met someone enjoying the same kinds of books that i do; or maybe i did, but they just didn't have the passion for checking their grammar mistakes and correcting them, or they don't enjoy politics, or they actually like supernatural movies, or they haven't seen donnie darko, or they just don't enjoy my list of rock bands like straylight run or the old green day, or they don't understand why the little prince makes me cry, or or or.

i have not met someone in those, erm, criteria, who could throw in a "me, too!" to some odd little things that define me. except, of course, mark.

here's to the only person i actually felt i could relate to, whose friendship i carelessly put out in a garbage bin because i thought it was very wrong to like a friend more than what's expected.

hey shim. i actually miss you, you know!Ü call me!

scream

with all the things i'm burdened with, there is no time to be bored and no time to breathe. stress has become routine, and sometimes i do wish to permanently give up. sometimes i wish i would be as smart as mau, or as pretty as ellen, or as creative as nikki, and at those times i'd think about how incredibly stupid i've become for the past year. stupid meaning moronic in a sense that i have to be told twice to get it. in other words, the very opposite of a wise man. not used to it, i swear, as i have never been like this in high school. i may be no genius, but i used to understand concepts as soon as i got introduced to it. college, however, drains my brain out.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? maybe i'm just born stupid and it's killing me. it's messing with my head, with the way i think things through, with the way i go through life in general. this is the first time ever that i could not get a discussion, and it's not the teacher's fault: it's me and my malfunctional brain.

anyway, with regards to my absurdly boring love life, i am full of regrets. there are always times when i'd regret why i didn't give myself a chance to get to know other people on that level. truth is, i don't know what i'm looking for. i judge through glimpses, and whenever there is a flaw, like one green pimple for example, i back out (extreme manhatred, you think?). maybe i'm just looking for that perfect guy to fill in my utterly imperfect, stupid, ugly persona. i need 99% of good personality to complete only 1% of mine. call this self-pity, but that might just answer my finicalness.