scream

with all the things i'm burdened with, there is no time to be bored and no time to breathe. stress has become routine, and sometimes i do wish to permanently give up. sometimes i wish i would be as smart as mau, or as pretty as ellen, or as creative as nikki, and at those times i'd think about how incredibly stupid i've become for the past year. stupid meaning moronic in a sense that i have to be told twice to get it. in other words, the very opposite of a wise man. not used to it, i swear, as i have never been like this in high school. i may be no genius, but i used to understand concepts as soon as i got introduced to it. college, however, drains my brain out.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? maybe i'm just born stupid and it's killing me. it's messing with my head, with the way i think things through, with the way i go through life in general. this is the first time ever that i could not get a discussion, and it's not the teacher's fault: it's me and my malfunctional brain.

anyway, with regards to my absurdly boring love life, i am full of regrets. there are always times when i'd regret why i didn't give myself a chance to get to know other people on that level. truth is, i don't know what i'm looking for. i judge through glimpses, and whenever there is a flaw, like one green pimple for example, i back out (extreme manhatred, you think?). maybe i'm just looking for that perfect guy to fill in my utterly imperfect, stupid, ugly persona. i need 99% of good personality to complete only 1% of mine. call this self-pity, but that might just answer my finicalness.